Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
You Might Also Like
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
as is their right
crying
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon