[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
i hate you platonically
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.