Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
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My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
#merica
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?