Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
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A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’m confused about plants
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.