If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
You Might Also Like
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!