Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once