Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I am also baked goods
*looks at you in batman voice*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Boating season is upon us.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior