[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I’m going to need a moment here.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
that colleague who touches your screen
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it