I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
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My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh