Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
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My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy