Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
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I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.