I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
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Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
That lamp looks PISSED.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
March 16
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?