boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.