“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Body by cheese-puffs.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent