40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
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“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up