God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
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Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.