Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
You Might Also Like
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends