Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
what?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead