Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Was it something I said?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>