Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
oh you wanna fight?!
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score