When the doctor asks about my sex life.
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my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge