I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
This January has 47 Mondays
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
you telling me a banana nut in this bread