Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Many hands make light work
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count