*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Sunday
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.