5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
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Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!