Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen