Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
You Might Also Like
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
When I laugh on my period
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.