Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
From Facebook just now…
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server