{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying