You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins