Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
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The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
This classic never gets old . . .
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.