Pretty certain I can more drunk
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If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.