F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
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I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME