Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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Lol #dogsoftwitter
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.