me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
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I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
wowww it鈥檚 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn鈥檛 even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 馃榾
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Girlfriend: I鈥檓 breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn鈥檛 warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you鈥檙e talking about
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I鈥檓 by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I鈥檝e ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house鈥檚 mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.