The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”