The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
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My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife: