After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.