HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”