Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
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“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger