Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
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All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
translated into Canadian
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Nothing to do, you say?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
boat question
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…