@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
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7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.