Fries, not lies.
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.