8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.