[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.