Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.