What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
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her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*jingles half the way*
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Dolls on drugs
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life