[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
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Memoirs of a Fish Stick
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me sliding into hell like
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard