Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”