Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
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Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now